I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
