She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
