i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
