Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
