I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
