vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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