The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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