I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
