i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
