dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
