Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
