Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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