I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I pour the whiskey from now on
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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