ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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