Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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