last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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