i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
