he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Is Oprah even human
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
