is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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