I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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