She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
