but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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