i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
