I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
