the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
