Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's always time for handjobs
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
