ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think I died a long time ago.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
