If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
