I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
