giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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