someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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