Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
