We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
