____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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