If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
