I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
