he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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