Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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