I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
