I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
