did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
