So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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