she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
