I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Randomize
