its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
