made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
