i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
