Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
