fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
