i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sext me about skeletons
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
