So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
