watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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