I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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