home. puking in laundry basket.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize