If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
