Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
