we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
