She is in my trunk
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
