What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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