i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
