there's paper in my vomit.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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