we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
