Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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