Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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