Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
