Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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