it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize