Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
