I'm gonna have a badass scar
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
