just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm just crazy horny about you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize