so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
