If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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