Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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