I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
