Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
