tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
