my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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